new work

I've been experimenting with paint, painting, expression, abstraction, emotion.

I've found a way to link my text and my art.

Some images for now

Onward!

It has been a while since I last posted. Simply put I haven't had much energy for it. I realised how much I had been through in the last couple of years and I've had some difficulty with some of it is all I need to say. I still am. Its a wave that I ride. I heard today a saying...'.life is like a wave - if you stand still in front of it it will knock you down but if you dive in and swim through you will come out the other side.....' I also heard another ....' the past is not something that can be wished for but as the present is built upon it gradually fades away' .....I went to see 'The Exotic Marigold Hotel' today and it was full of such sayings. Lovely. There was only me and 5 old women in the cinema! they were complaining it was too loud. The film is full of the brilliance of the best of british acting (Bill Nighy being a particular favourite!)

So I have been stuck right up me own arse  (very smelly!) but I have also been out and about. I've been to a few exhibitions - an interesting one in Hebden Bridge 'He calls himself Margaret' by Michelle Howart Rashman - a collection of fabric sculptures made up of layers of material depicting women - a clever observation of real life - women, grotesque at first sight, but who are clearly living feeling people which becomes very moving as you remain in their presence. Have a look at the review here... http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/art/features/picture-preview-he-calls-himself-margaret-6259833.html

I've also been to see Claire Woods at the Hepworth - she paints large scale abstracts of landscapes - it was visually impressive but I didn't get as much out of it as some other people I know. And before Christmas I went to the Baltic to look at the Turner Prize nominees. Its the first time I have seen such an exhibition - we were shepherded around it, unable to go back and spend time. I was interested in Martin Boyce as he uses text and sculpture and I wasn't disappointed. I felt at home in his gallery. To be honest I thought the paintings would win because of the amount of interest in them but they didn't. I'm glad. I felt they weren't honest about themselves. And they were very sad. A rainy day became a George Shaw day. I had a bet with my companion and I won but sadly I never received my winnings.

I also took a look at  the Northern Prize nominees - this year I felt they were very interesting. I loved the winning contribution - a clever idea I wish I'd done! Easy - taking photos and all the photos were of my home town so it was a joy to sit and watch (for me!) I also loved the emotional work of Liadin Cooke  - the use of materials to express emotion resonated deeply within me but the NAP is quite predicatable and she didn't win.

So busy out and about and busy making. I'm taking part in the Leeds Artists Book Fair again this year and seeing as I don't have the stress of completing dissertations, making final pieces and moving house this year I threw myself into making some books.

I have made a range - a few blank, faux leather wrap round books and some blank, concertina books with my own collage design on the front. I have also made some 'zine's - small paper books on a subject of interest - I've made a series of four books on line (the subject of my work) plus I have also made a couple of small zines using words (another favourite of mine) - these words have significant meaning to me but are presented in a way I hope makes them of interest to other - I guess I'll find out at the fair! I have also made cards and original drawings based on my line drawings. I've enjoyed being creative again and getting back out there.

I have also submitted a proposal to a gallery which unfortunately wasn't successful but I received some very positive feedback which has been encouraging. I am also submitting other work....will have to see eh?!

So - I will try to keep up my entries. It has been nice to write this, to focus elsewhere, I'll be honest, because I can't be anything else, I'm dealing with a lot of loss right now, learning about myself and trying to figure out my place in the world, trying to be grateful but very, very tired.

Much love.





processing

I've been continuing to do my 'theraputic' work - I have to say its been helping enormously - to come home and be able to express myself through my art is such a change in direction from the 'box ticking' exercises I have been used to for the last 6 years. And maybe a necessary need to break with the chains of the past?



I am coming to think that to have a number of 'strands' of work on the go at the same time is a practice that is useful for me - I say for me as it might not be the case for other artists. I've also been told I am always 'on the go' and maybe that is an aspect of me I am embracing and trying to calm. Anyway - for me - I have very much appreciated the discovery of expression through art but I find myself longing for my drawing...I want to 'get back' to drawing now. My interest in the tangled line is still insisting on a voice and so I am longing to do some more work on that - more to come later!

Another idea that is bubbling up inside is something to do with the body. It would not be an underestimation to say that this year has been tough! Moving house, renovating, degree work, employed work plus all the emotional and practical issues that come with being a single mum! I am exhausted. Understandably. My body has started to tell me to stop. Since finishing my course I have been ill in one way or another. My throat has been bad, my ears have become infected and my neck and shoulder muscles finally could take no more tension! I went to see a wonderful osteopath who introduced me to the idea of somaticisation. Last week I went for a back, face and head massage. I became aware of how little I had been touched over the years and that I was still carrying the pain of the last 7 years. We humans need touch......how can I explore this in my art?

Anyway its a thought in progress but exploring the idea of the body I did some body printing using a paprika and tumeric dye I had made (it was used for the back ground of the picture above)

So - will get on with more work but am going to take it slowly this time. Christmas is coming and I want to make some presents and decorations. Time to not do so much - this weekend I am enjoying watching dvd's and taking in the wonder of the autumn garden. I am grateful and blessed.

busy...

Its been a while.
I have been getting my head together, enjoying the summer and gently trying to re-connect with my creativity. I have been busy though!

I told you about the postcard project....I very much enjoyed taking part in that and a number of people chose to 'favourite' my image and gave me some very encouraging feedback which was validating - and different to any feedback used to receiving from college people or friends.

I also submitted some work for a book that is being put together by an artists goup called 'Occursus' - http://occursus.wordpress.com/about/ There was a choice of subjects on which to submit but I chose 'foam'. I did some experiments with printing with foam and then recalled my degree process....so I took close up shots of some foam and projected it and then drew it. the resultant images were abstract and so far removed from the original foam that I was really pleased with them. I could only do them in A6 size but I'm glad to say that they were accepted and will be featuring in the book!

  



In addition to this I have also done a painting for my friend's birthday. Again - I used my process but did it on a canvas to see how it would translate. Her living room has blue tones so I painted it in blue. I have to say I was very pleased with the end result - it makes an appealing image (well, to me!!) Luckily she felt the same and seemed pleased with it - if anyone wants one just let me know! Am thinking of doing one for my own wall!!

So I was doing these things to get me to be creative and it has certainly helped. I have plenty of ideas flying about my head - so many things I want to do now!

Life is shifting - something is moving - gosh its been on the move for years now! I thought I would go on to do Art Psychotherapy when I completed my degree - I have been working in arts charities to get some experience of the types of people who might benefit from this sort of work - but now I'm not so sure. Above all my craving is to be an artist! I see jobs going by and it frustrates me that I can't apply - I don't feel experienced enough or because I work I'm not free to do the work.....its something I need to give more thought to. Thinsg have been quite stressful over the last few months and so I have practising using my art to express myself.

As a fine artist its quite a hard process to do - to let go and just express myself. I've been taught for 6 years to translate my feelings into a representation of something not to simply draw or paint my feelings. I spent an afternoon doing it. Not having anything in mind before starting, simply letting the emotion flow and emerge from the movement of my arm and hands. I loved doing it. I've been doing it a lot! Might give you some idea of how things have been but I am loving being able to do this.

One thing I have noticed is the use of line...that came out of my work at college a fascination with line.....but at the same time its a personal work - its about my identity and most of work to date has been autobiographical....its an interesting realisation for me.

Anyway - here are some images....

 

So I'm going to do a bit more exploration into line I think. I'm also going to do the book fair again next year so want to get on with making books!

Finally -

I follow a number of blogs - the blog world is great - full of interesting contributions and so much talent!!! I'm in awe most of the time and desperately desirous of the time and freedom to create. Work! Having to get paid interferes!!

Anyway I follow a blog called 'The Altered Page' by a wonderful guy called Seth Aptor. He is currently doing a piece on stacks - we all have them and actually when you look closely there is a beauty in them...when I first read the blog I was taken with the image but thought I didn't have any stacks - hwo wrong I was! and here is my favourite - a pile of books in my living room - I love piles of books - and have them all over the house - I love it!!! And whats more I thought maybe I could respond using my line enquiry - more to do.........

Thank you Seth! http://thealteredpage.blogspot.com/2011/09/stackoholics-anonymous.html

thankful for.....

I've been taking some time out, time to think, to re-discover and be thankful, thankful for my wonderful children, good friends and my lovely house and garden - it's all but finished now. The back half of the house is open and airy and light and brings my beautiful garden into the house.



I have also finally managed to carve an art space for myself - in the corner of the conservatory. Its interesting that the conservatory was the room I liked the least when we moved in and now it has become my favourite place!

And so - I mentioned before 'The Great Stitched Postcard Swap' -  I did some art!! Phew!! It got me going anyway. I enjoyed it and now have some ideas as to things I'd like to do next. The artwork had to be postcard sized and involve stitching on the theme 'Bloom' .....

 

My card has been sent to a woman in Italy, I haven't recieved the card being sent to me yet! Its not my typical style but it has lifted me from my creative atrophy.

I am currently working on something to do with foam which is much more my own but we'll see....

In the meantime I am practising being thankful. Things have been very stressful recently - its not all over but I can see more clearly now. I am trying to slow down and notice the wonder in my life - things I have missed for being preoccupied with the other....in particular food - delight in the way it looks and how it tastes! I have decided to treat myself to a fabulous bottle of wine - expensive and to savour its every taste......

I'm also very thankful for the wonderful garden I have acquired. Whoever planted it up did so with love and kind attention - something has flowered every month since we moved in. I am blessed for this! I can't think how to improve it......apart from creating fruit and vegetable beds. This weekend I cleared behind the shed in preparation for the possibility of chickens....I'm thinking about it, still undecided but it does seem like a good space for them!  Really I would love to take some time for myself...time to create, to think, to be but life doesn't seem to be like that - always one challenge or another presenting itself.....but is it not me attracting those challenges? There's one to consider......if I want space and time have I not already got them in plenty?

And finally.....thankful for my lovely daughter for making me take time out!

something stirring....

Something is a-stirring in me! ha ha!

The end of the degree has raised some deep thoughts - what's it all been about? What to do now? What is my art? I wonder if they are all too deep? It really has thrown me - I feel nothing, no sense of achievement at all - what a discouraging set of people, I have put my all into it and to come away feeling this way....it is another lesson for me, another set of people who do not encourage or delight in the other.....

I had a meeting with college to get some feedback on my final piece - it was enlightening despite my disappointment. Some understanding of being on a precipice now but solidity and ego standing firmly between me and what could be. Very very sad.

Anyway I have some ideas as to what I want to do, I'm trying to let the strongest one surface! I'm desperate to be creative again but a bit fearful of what to do next. So I have signed up for two postcard projects to focus me - not my usual thing but a chance to so some work small scale and it may stimulate something else.

The first is Love Arts Festival in Leeds being run by Arts and Minds - a network for mental health awareness. They are mounting an exhibition of 50 postacrds that explore emotional responses to art and happiness. You are encouraged to submit a postcard of your own so I thought I'd take part in that - 

http://loveartsleeds.co.uk/happiness-postcard-exhibition/   

The other is the Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap which I heard about from a fantastic blog called 'do what you love' - something that has touched me deeply as I make my decisions

Take a look here - 

http://dowhatyouloveforlife.com/

The stitched postcard swap involves creating a postcard on the theme 'Bloom' and swapping it with someone who could possibly be from another country! How exciting to see how someone else responds to the same theme. So I'm going to do that too and hope that these stirrings solidify!

 My house is nearly sorted - carpets are coming this week so I am madly painting walls before that happens! I have loved buying things for the house - finding bargains and putting it all together - it has been quite some time since I had free reign over a decor. And I am slowly starting to love it. I find it interesting watching myself buying these things, delighting in the little additions that add character, wanting it to look ok - what is that about? Its an outward thing - why is it important to me? Important enough to spend money I really don't have! I wonder.

And money is an issue for me at the moment - needing to figure out what it means to me before I make my choices.......

 

finished

Its over.
The exhibition process was ... what can I say....emotional? Stressful? Words escape me and in the end I find it difficult not to think there was some personal issue - the course leader is possibly one of the most obstructive, unpleasant, egocentric people I have ever met. I am left wondering what the purpose of the process was? I talk to people on other courses and the end of year show is treated as an opportuity to showcase the students work, they are actively given help and encouragement and direction from their tutors - this is not something in my experience, nor the experience of my fellow students from what I can gather.
The placing of my work behind a door was a clear indication of their belief in it. And on the night the door was propped open against my work so most of it was hidden. I really wasn't sure what to make of it.
I tried. I fought back. And I can hold my head high knowing I kept going despite no encouragement, no guidance, no opportunity. I wanted my wire piece to be displayed - at the very least it was a piece of interest - but no choice was given - it was her show - it came down.
And I understand that, I understand she works for a college that pay her wages, she must show that the college is producing students who make new work but I also know my work stimulated some discussion and response - but what did it say being put behind a door?
Its over.
I worked damned hard. In the last 6 years I have seen death, breakdown, divorce, house move - my god so much life! And still I kep going and in the last 6 months I put so much work into it.
Its over.
I got a 2:2.
I am disappointed. It isn't me being hard on myself as usual. I am not going to wallow in the feeling of disappointment but examine it - what is it telling me?
I looked back at why I was doing this.
Time to be honest.
I started this process because I needed to be creative again. Art was missing from my life - well something was!!
I knew as I went into this that I wasn't a fine artist. I am creative, I enjoy the creative process but I can't conceptualise. I feel but I am unable to transpose those feelings into something visual. Whatever I try to make is never successful enough. 
I wanted a degree. I had not had that opportunity from school. My mother said if I went to university I wouldn't have a home to come back to. I wasn't brave enough to go. This was my chance. I didn't want to do fine art - I felt art and design might be better or surface textiles was my true love....but I worried I would want to express myself too much and I couldn't do them part time. And I had to work, I had children.....I made a choice. I thought that I could do fine art.
I enjoyed the aspect of self expression but thats not always enough in fine art and actually what I enjoyed more was the process of making art - the exploration of materials, effects, I struggled when I had to add a meaning to it - I failed when I had to do that.
I was told I wasn't a conceptual artist - ah relief - but at the same time I was told that this course was not designed for people like me and so I would struggle. I was lead by conceptual artists who didn't seem able to help me find my own way in my process.
And every time I was forced to add  a meaning to my work - which I did - and immediately it started to fail.
Maybe, in hindsight, I should have stuck out for myself but I so wanted to be one of those people who could express themselves visually. One girl produced a piece of work about her surgery using bandages - it was brilliant - I would never be able to think that way. I would be more interested in what was happening to the bandages. And thats ok its just that I don't feel nurtured in that place by the course I have just completed.
I feel fixed in a place that I should never have been fixed to - and my mark reflects that.
My mark.
Issues - to be honest I don't have much respect for the tutors. I know the work I put in. I know my work was successful and deserved better than I got and in some way knowing that blows what I am about to say out of the water however if I am to respect these people then my result is a sort of validation of the work I have done. It is a measure of how good I am and all I am worth is somewhere between 50 and 60 (story of my life!!) These professional people are assessing my work and saying it is only 'good' - I still have some way to go.  
And as I am about to try and now make a living in this field it is something that has caused me to evaluate myself.
I want to be sure of my reasons for doing.
My reason for getting this degree was outward recognition. It was to say to those that said I couldn't that I could. It was so that people would think I was clever, talented. I wanted to prove to myself I could do this.
And yet I was setting myself up for a fall before I even started. It was the equivalent of taking a physics degree! And if I look at it that way I did great! But I did it for the wrong reasons and whenever you do something for the wrong reasons you don't get rewarded.
I have learnt nothing about making art. I have learnt plenty about the business and the composition but nothing about how to tap into myself. I have learnt that I can be creative painting teacups - I don't want to have to add a meaning onto it all the time - and who are they to say that I am not successful.
If I think back to 2 years ago when this all started we had to say what we were going to over the 2 year period - I wanted to look at line. Lines interest me but for no greater deeper meaning than they interest me. It isn't saying anything deep and meaningful about me, I'm not trying to communicate something hidden in my pscyhe through them - if anything I like drawing, doodling. I wanted to see if I could use different materials and take a line off the wall. BUT NO!!!! I HAD to attach meaning!! So I said I was drawing attention to spaces........was I buggery!! I was doodling!! And as soon as I did that I created a space where she could tell me I wasn't successful. Where she could measure me. Of course I'm not successful - lots of much more interesting ways to draw attention to space! I wish I had the nerve to stand by myself and say - its about nothing - its a process. But still I don't quite get process - more understanding to be had there.
I did do well. Whatever the reason, I learnt some things and I got to do some art - albeit mostly rubbish!
And I am left now wondering what to do. I know people like Damien Hirst and others left college with no degrees, a degree is not a measure of your talent as an artist but the truth is I don't think I am an artist.
I don't know what I am. Who I am.
All I know is its no big deal.
I will try to enjoy being creative for the joy of it. No need to produce anything with any meaning anymore. And nor do I want to. And maybe in doing that my meaning will come out.
I feel like I am starting now. Trying not to say what a waste of 6 years.
I have a degree. At least I can use that to get me on but that degree is a measure of my success at my subject - and it shows I'm not successful.
So thats that eh.
Much reconsidering to do.
Right now am tired, very very tired. This whole thing has change my life - brought about irreversible changes when all the time I just had to to love myself.
Relationships are over. A phase of life is over.
Its over.
Its all over